Dad's voice message: "Paula, this is your father. I have something important to tell you." (He finally figured out that it's not an answering machine and no longer shouts at me to pick it up. By shouting I mean that he thought that I may be in my bedroom and couldn't hear him. Also he would shout over and over as if he thought I was running from said bedroom and would pick up at any moment.)
I don't know about the rest of you but in my world, a message like this means dive and take cover. A message like this can mean: the cat threw up in his shoes, his neighbors are not appreciating his anatomically correct mermaid statue, he has another great crude joke, or there is a death in the family. Anytime I hear a message like this from him, I instantly get the heart-pounding, gut-wrenching, shoulder-cringing, OH GOD DO I HAVE TO CALL HIM BACK feeling. But I know that the longer I put it off, the worse it will be. It's like putting off going to the dentist when you have a cavity.
I called back and got their answering machine. They screen their calls.
Paula's message: "Hello? Hello? Anyone home?"
I don't shout but I wait a few minutes. They could be running from the bedroom. "Please don't be there, please don't be there." I pray to myself. I am too chicken at the moment. No one is home though, so I get a small reprieve and leave a dutiful message. The next day my dad calls back. This time I'm home and I figure I might as well get this over with.
Paula: "Look I am not going to buy anything so quit calling." (He doesn't know that I got caller ID .)
Dad: "Hey Paula, it's your dad. I got something important to tell you."
Paula: "Oh hi Dad, what's up?" (Keep your hands in your pockets and don't look them straight in the eyes.)
Dad: "Do you want a new mattress?"
Okay to you, this might be a normal question. A simple yes or no will do, right? But you see we just left Normallville and have now entered No Man's Land. The military has taught me well though and I have already taken cover under my kitchen table. I suggest the that you do the same. Now...how do I answer the question? Either response is risky.
Paula: "A mattress?" (Okay a lame answer. But I need time to think of what this conversation is really about.)
Dad: "Yes I got me one of those knock-off tempurpedic mattresses. My bones have been bothering me and I am having problems sleeping at night. You know Paula, you are getting at the age where you need to lift weights to prevent bone loss. Your Mom has arthritis in her hips. It's also prevents humps. You know old ladies get humps in their backs. You should also take vitamins...."
At this point I noticed that there are little cobwebs under my table so I took off one of my socks and used it as a dust rag. I might as well make good use of my time. Okay I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I am not very compassionate. Trust me though, this conversation is not about my parent's health.
Dad: "So do you want the mattress or not?"
Oops. My automatic responder will not work at this time. The "That's nice Dad" or "Oh really?" will not work here. What am I going to do? I have to come up with something clever so he won't know that I haven't been listening for the past 5 or 10 minutes. How did I let this happen?
Paula: "Well, didn't you buy it for yourself? I hate to take your brand new mattress, Dad".
Dad: "I told you, I got another one instead." (Huh?)
Paula: "Why did you get another one Dad?" (Yes I am treading on thin ice here but I just can't see my way around this.)
Dad: "Didn't you hear a word I just said? I told you they were going to take too long to deliver it." (He is getting irritated with me now. Got to deflect his anger.)
Paula: "Oh sorry Dad, bad reception at my end. You know I am on my cell phone." (Now this is a good answer for two reasons: 1) It's the truth, I just discovered that Cingular doesn't provide great reception under my table, perhaps I should complain. 2) I can usually distract him with this as he will normally start talking about how cell phones causes cancer. But not this time....he is a man on a mission.)
Dad: "It takes 8 to 10 days to deliver the mattress and my bones were hurting so your mother and I went and got one in town." (I suddenly get a vision of my mother taking cover under her kitchen table.)
Paula: "So why don't you return it?" (We may be on dangerous ground here. )
Dad: "I think you need a new cell phone dear. I already told you all of this. Anyway, I don't have it yet. When I talked to the people at the place I ordered it from, they didn't seem too happy about me returning it." (Remember we are in a different land...but this even blows me away. One day I will tell you why.)
Paula: "What size is it?" (Nice response eh? I know...I'm a chicken.)
Dad: "It's a double."
Yahoo! I might get out of this with minimal damage. Tada! I have a queen-size bed.
Paula: "Oh sorry Dad, my bed is a queen-size." (I really can't believe this. This is going to work!)
Dad: "It might fit. It's a large double." (Ack!)
Paula: "No Dad. My bed is a large queen. Remember I had it made when I was stationed in the Philippines? My queen-size mattress is a little small for it." (I'm 42. I'm 42. I'm 42. I can say no to my dad.)
Dad: "That's okay, you can put it on the box springs."
Paula: "But Daaaaddd, it will look funny." (Okay now I sound like a teenager.)
Dad: "It will be okay. No one will see it."
I can't believe my dad just said that. Oh wait...yes I can. The worse part though is that he is absolutely right. I'm speechless for a moment.
Dad: "It's a good mattress. I paid $600 plus for it." (Aha!)
Paula: "Dad, you and mom can't afford to spend that much money on me." (My old standby..."You are my dad and I want to take care of you".)
Dad: "It's okay. You are worth it. We can say it's your birthday present" (Drat! His old standby..."You are my little girl and I want to take care of you".)
Paula: "Alright Dad, if you insist. I need to replace my mattress anyway." (Sigh!)
Dad: "So do you want me to ship it or do you want your mother and I to bring it up?"
Drat! Where did that cobweb come from?